My lack of updates is depressing.
I will update soon!
Im off to Italy on Saturday so It may be for a while.
My mam is talking to the cat.
I mean yeah, I do enjoy Pesto's company.
But really though, I dont indulge in full blown conversations.
I need to get out of this house
x

Has everyone heard Laura Marling? you should...because she amazing x

I have terrible problems staying vertical.
My knees are permenatly black and blue.
Its a new feature.
My mother is worried.
x

I just decided to read back to what I was doing/feeling this time last year. and its pretty much the same.
Have I really wasted a whole year doing fuck all?
x

I hate driving. I really really do. I dont understand why I am made to feel like such a failure for not wanting to drive/not being able to.
I dont like doing it.
I dont think this makes me sub-human.
It fucks me off.
I dont want to do it.
I hate being in control of something so dangerous.
I dont feel disabled in anyway for not having a car.
I cant imagine ever being able to afford to buy a car!
Fuck It FUCK IT.
*stamps foot*
(I nearly killed my dad and myself tonight. I dont like that kind of responsibly. Id rather just get the bus thanks)

x

I didnt get the Japan job.
I found out on Monday after a weekend of a rather silly amount of partying, no sleeping or eating so I was pretty fragile and gutted and had a tantrum.
After all that!!!
I lost my job and I didnt get to see Tegan and Sara.
Im so angry that I dont even want to go anymore and I hate Japan and all Japanese people.
Im sure i'll get over it.
Company policy say that I cant even request feedback. So I wont even be able to improve myself and will continue to make the same mistakes.
I did aim for the very top of the all eikawa in Japan
and I was the youngest one there with no teaching experience or TEFL qualification.
never mind. sob.

I had a lush weekend though. Went up to Glasgow for Hanabanana's birthday. The flat was filled with everyone we know, it was pretty overwhelming at one point.
We`went dancing at Subculture and then spend the rest of the weekend rolling around in a massive fun bed.
I got to spend a ridulous amount of time with Claire Bear whom I only see every 2 years or so.
Shes absolute gold. She made me actually wet my pants rather a few times.
Quality Geordie Lass.
Im going to go play with her in Newcastle next weekend.

So yeah.
I have no money and no job and no prospects on the horizon.
This grown up life fucking sucks.

x

Ive not really had much to write.
Im a bit depressed and I HATE depressing entries.
I think my interview went okay! I just think I fucked up the grammer test.
It was super hard and I left most of it.
for example
'what is the difference between 'in' and 'within'?'
'what is the difference between 'Jealous' and 'Envious?'
'what is the difference between 'further' and 'farther'?
Really though? I was pretty gobsmacked and just sat there sweating.
The rest of the interview weekend was fine, just ridiculously stressful!
But yeah on the friday before I left for London I was working till 8. As I was walking out of the door the manager asked me again to work the weekend. I said I couldnt so she basically said 'if you dont come in, you dont come back'
She claimed id left her in the lerch, even though I had....
1.booked it off 6 weeks ago
2.Told her 3 weeks ago I could do it
3.Told the owners I couldnt work it
4.got Siobhan to cover.

Im taking it personally now. They have told other staff that they found out I went to a 'festival' in london not an interview and they sacked me for lying.
I think they just didnt like me and have used it as an excuse to get rid of me.
And so I have got myself into a paranoid depression. And i have too much time to think.

im fucking unemployed again! At this rate even if i do get the job I wont be able to afford to go!


x

I have an interview in LONDON with Aeon for a job teaching English to kids in Japan!
I applied secretly on a whim.
I had to write an essay and everything.
But now I have an interview!
Im shitting myself

x

Ive cheered up a bit.
Bex begged me to come to Canada with her promising a place to stay on her sisters land in exhange for help building her house.
It'll probably be in a trailer or a tent.
I dunno if i can do that these days, Im a bit of a lady now.
I mean when I was 18 it was fine that I lived outside didnt wash or brush my hair. But I like to be clean and groomed in my 20s.
And Ive already been to Cortes Island I know what to expect.
But hey I might just get a working visa, spend some time there and then go to Vancouver that has nightclubs, shops, tvs, internet and a place to plug in the straighteners.
Ive just lost most of my scratty hippy streak.
However the men on those islands are BEAUTIFUL. and they dont care that your hair is a matted mess and you havent shaved anything for months. In fact they like it.

I let Bex cut and bleach my hair. Big chunks fell out from over process.
Im going to Leeds tonight to stay with my sister. This should be interesting.
She has a lovely new flat, dead posh, Ill even have my own en suite.
And Rhys is coming through on friday for Momentum. I havent danced with Rhys for ages. Might treat myself to some drugs cos its a special occassion.
Lisa is fuming cos she thinks Rhys is the most annoying man on earth .Shes right. He is.


sorry to share this with you but my period started today on the walk from town. I didnt know wether to run(it might of encouraged flow) or walk careful(which means it take longer to get to the loo)I just did a funny waddle but by the time I got in it was all down my legs.
SO GROSS.

ciao

x

i applied for a job as a nanny with Mark Warner, which is a holiday company that has places all over europe. They send you somewhere hot for the summer and then into the mountain ski places for the winter. It sounds really exciting and they pretty much pay for everything including flights and accomadation.

Anyway. I didnt get it.
And Im really really gutted. I was hoping and hoping and wishing so much for this opportunity but they want someone with more qualifcations.
This was the one hope I was clinging on to for something to do and look forward to.
I didnt tell anyone that I applied because I didnt want people to be like AH WELL NEVER MIND if i didnt get it.

I hate being disapointed.
Im so sad :(
I need to sort something to look forward to or Im just going to carry on wallowing.

x

Dear Friends on my Friends list!
Does anyone have anyone on their Friends that they recommend that wouldnt mind me adding them? My Friends page has dwindled over the past year and now only like 5 of my friends update regularly. and I want more reading reading!
Im also having a spring clean of anyone that doesnt update anymore. I dont think its fair that they know about my life if I know nothing of thiers. I know thats not what Livejournal is about but I like to know whos reading. :D

Loves xxx

my life is unbelivable boring.

I am currently

-Trying to finish my degree so I can finally live
-Trying not to fascinated by Other Peoples Love Lives.
-Trying not to be jealous of Other Peoples Lives in general.
-Trying to find a husband
-Trying not to snatch babies from prams
-Trying to work out what to do with the rest of my life
-Trying not to eat my way to obesity
-Trying to juggle working like a bitch with being drunk.

And I also

-Hate the feeling of seeing someone that you know you fucked it up with and knowing that you can't change that now and spending the next week kicking yourself and thinking 'what if?'

-Hate the fact that my love life(or lack of it) has such an impact on my moods.

-Hate seeing someone I managed to fuck off with general mentalness making someone else really happy and being really happy themselves.


I do love mars Planets though. Very much.

x

changing faces.
my dad said i look different everytime i come home








i suppose hes right

which one is bestest? im bored of red

x

To speak without thinking is to shoot without aiming.

I can't write in here anymore for some reason.
I get scared lately that everything I say seems to cause me more problems.

Ive made my journal mostly private now.
If you want to be added please comment :)
Anyone not on my friends can only read about as far back as about Christmas.
I really didnt want to, but I realised that ive become really reliant on writing in here,as a form of stress relief/general way of being able to analyze stupid situations/keep track of drunkeness/hopefully learn from mistakes
And it has come to a point where i really need to know exactly who is reading it.
I have nothing to hide
i just dont want to have to feel paranoid about what im writing.

I have also had a mini friends cut.
If you are here.... i like ranting at you,i love your posts, i trust you and i know that you dont judge me.

x

Oh i forgot to add

We were so drunk last night that Lauren bought a bag of chips
She dropped loads in the cab and started eating them off of the floor.
but by accident she ate an old fag butt too.

x

From Lauren to me.......


It’s just you and I again baby. (Part 2)

“You must be my Lucky Star
because you shine on me wherever you are
I just think of you and I start to glow”

Fuck everyone else’s fake friendship along with
People who dump you for boys
Filled with humble coffee and awkward small talk
Fuck boys who lie and cheat
Fuelling our hate for men
Boring goldfish bowl idiots
Round and round they go
This is the shit…

Were Smurfs among greying boring badgers.
Complete and utter shamelessness
Between two divine ladies of leisure
I know you more than you know yourself
Stir fry’s, rollies’ and tea are your speciality
We know they make sense.

They'll name a seaside town after us
“Hoof on tooth”
I adore you
its all good
you’re so beautiful!

DONE!

xXx






Great friends make shitty relationships seem a hell of a lot shitter.
I have done fuck all today. I wandered about in a state of half stonedness.
Met Linz who was also in the same kind of state. We had a marathon chat as we marched about town,and i took sneaky photos in high street shops.
Ate sushi and had a boy talk with Nina.
I miss him, but I just want him to feel that hes lost something and he obviously doesnt.
Im carving again.
Its very theraputic if rather dangerous.
We supposed to be going out for Sarah's birthday tonight.
Orange Tree and Electric Banana.
Im skint and tired.
Ill eat and decide whether or not to give it a miss.
I might do, i feel like i need to do something different.
x

My ability to track people down/stalk on myspace amazes me.
Ive become exceeding good at it.
I love satisfied feeling of finally finding them and having a good old nose.
Its so wrong but so very right

Im gross.
I have absolulty no idea what is going on with anything at the moment.

We had a lovely dinner party hackling like witches talking about everything, i want Aislinn's cat. I am terrified about the decsion of whether to stay here or go.
i know that i want to move to leeds though, then i can regain my dopey yorkshire accent.
I cant be arsed to actually update feel so shit.
I felt so ill last night in the pub. i couldnt even go to rock city! i had to get the boy to take me home.

heres Hymee and Lucinda

rock city last weekend my hair was getting to be like a large hedge

its a lovely red bob now. im rather pleased, its very smart.

x